I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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