There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
