Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
