Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
