so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
