my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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