I just saw a hot homeless man
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
