youre lurking in front of me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
