Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
