I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
