she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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