made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im holly from the hills drunk
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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