hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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