Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize