I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He keeps bees of course he's weird
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
