I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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