My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
