no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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