i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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