I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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