omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize