Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
did you just send me my own nude
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
