I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
