cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
