Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
