I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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