If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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