You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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