it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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