I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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