Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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