I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
