Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Don't make out with my wife yet
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
