I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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