is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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