he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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