I accidentally had phone sex last night
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
