Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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