Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
