how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
