This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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