zippers are such a cool invention
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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