I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
