I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
