oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
