I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
