I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
