I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
