I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
