1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
