My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You pole danced in your parka.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
