filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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