Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
