i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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