I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
