Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
