I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am one with the molecules
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize