someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
