I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
