I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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