I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
